Fire is no laughing matter. In a drunken attempt to appear womanly, my neighbor tried to burn her pubes off when she was fifteen, but it hurt too much to get it completely smooth. My friend had sex with her two years later and said her clit looked li...
History, lie of our lives, mire of our loins. Our sins, our souls. Hiss-tih-ree: the tip of the pen taking a trip of three steps (with one glide) down the chronicle to trap a slick, sibilant character. Hiss. (Ss.) Tih. Ree. He was a pig, a plain pig,...
Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life.
A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.
I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?
I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous.
Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live.
Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source.
What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?
Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both.
Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own.
Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel.
True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't.
I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?
Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool!
I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever.
The only way to get under me is to get over yourself.
He has your finger, but I have your heart.
As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone.
Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.
