If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.
To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.
Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming...
Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which d...
People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.
Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.
I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.
When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.
I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.
If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.
I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.
I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.
Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.
A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.
