Painless: [lining up during football game] All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off. [the first use of the word "fuck" in a major motion picture]
[a gun goes off at the football game] Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him! Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.
Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you... says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters. Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.
Radar: Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly, they call me Radar. You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent. I'll take your things over there now. Colonel Blake: Get everything out of the Jeep... Radar: [while Blake continues speaking] Don't worry about the ...
P.A. Announcer: Attention, all base members must report for a drug test for marij- marijua-... disregard last transmission
Colonel Blake: [to Spearchucker Jones at the football practice] I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays... Spearchucker: If you don't mind, I took the liberty. Colonel Blake: ...
Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault. Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.
Colonel Blake: You men just passing through? Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there. [Refferring to Lt. Dish] Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake. Duke Forrest...
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Col. Blake] This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum, and it's your fault!
Gen. Hammond: Henry, I have a report here from your Major O'Houlihan. Now she makes some accusations here that I frankly find hard to believe. Colonel Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye. [hangs up]
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [Raving about the Swampmen's latest stunt] If you don't turn them over to the MPs this minute, I - -I'm going to resign my comission! Colonel Blake: [In bed with a nurse] Goddamnit, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn comission! Hotlips...
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Father Mulcahy, referring to Hawkeye] I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps! Father Mulcahy: [looks up from his Bible] He was drafted.
Colonel Blake: We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili... Hawkeye Pierce: How many nurses do we have on the base, sir? Colonel Blake: Seventeen. Hawkeye Pierce: How many will be on m...
[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon] Trapper John: ...No, no, no food, no food! Sex! I want sex! Give me some sex! [notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent] Trapper John: No, no, no, that one, the sultry b...
Duke Forrest: [as Frank Burns is being taken away in a straight jacket by the MPs] Now, fair's fair Henry. If I nail Hotlips and hit Hawkeye can I go home too?
Duke Forrest: What color was her hair? Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair. Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself. Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan...
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer] Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini? Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini. Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a mart...
Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other. Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.
