Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!
Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?
I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.
Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.
Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.
I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.
Here’s a towel to dry your tears. I just wiped my ass with it.
I'm not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.
The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.
I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.
The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.
Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.
Word of mouth—it’s more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand.
The longest 60 seconds in the world occur when someone says, “I’ll be there in a minute.
Alcohol helps you to loosen up to make memories you won’t forget, and then it helps you to forget them completely.
I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.
Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!
When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.
A can of tomato juice is not like a can of blood. Still, I drink one daily.
I pet my cat like a guitar, but I hold him like a stack of musical pancakes.