About Henny Youngman:
Henry "Henny" Youngman was a British-born American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife...please".
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.