I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.
My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.
The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.
She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.
At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.
I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.
When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.
Words are all we’ve got. Besides, of course, actions. But you can’t print out and read actions. Actions also don’t carry ideas with the same ease as words.
Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.
Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.
Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.
The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!
My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.
The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.
The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.
One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so my mortality is on my mind.
I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.
-Ma’am, I don’t believe it.
-You’re too kind.
-It’s true. You look at least 75.