If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves are for.
He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.
Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.
Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.
33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.
I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?
When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it.
I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.
There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.
I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.
My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.
I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.
My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.
On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.